Dear diary

I felt mom was scared I would do something to myself.
She asked me if I wanted that she would pick me up in Brugge after working.
Since I can't answer on any question anymore I just held up my shoulders and got out the car.
I didn't dare to look at her.
And when I was at the train I tried so hard to hold in my tears.
I stood strong to my own surprise.
But then in the store, when my college was gone eating, I was alone.
As I expected, I felt unwell and my heart was beating so fast again.
I tried to sit, but even that I couldn't handle and fell down on the ground.
It took a while till the customers noticed something.
Good they did then after all and they were so friendly to get a cola for me.

Mom didn't pick me up, she had to arrange stuff with father.
But obviously she trusted me.
However, when I was at the station I was looking at the train tracks.
Should I jump or not?
There were kids... I can't do this in front of them.
I don't wanna destroy their lifes like the fakers did to me.

Once at the train I couldn't hide my tears anymore.
Listening to my iPod isn't a good idea.
All the songs reminds me of them.
Tokio Hotel, love songs, hate songs, songs from bands he liked, songs from Eminem,...
Really everything reminds me of them.
Even leaving my computer for Degrassi.

And even when I putted away everything from TH and from "Bill" in my room.
There's always one thing that brings up memories.

I hoped that I could contact them on IMVU, but even there they blocked me.
Fin, she was my only hope to give me information.
I never understood why "Tom" could be interested in her.
She insulted me for dead. For what? For nothing!
I never did anything wrong. When I said I love them, it was the truth.
And somehow it still is.
Just that I love someone who doesn't excist.
A made up character, idealized so it would be perfect for me.
But I should have known that noone can be so perfect for me.
That noone will ever love me like they "did" and noone will ever threath me as a princess.

I'm forever alone and unloved.
Good it won't be for long anymore.

I woke up this morning and the first thing I remembered was that I dreamed.
About Bill... I just don't know anymore about what, but it was about seeing him, searching him,...
It's weird that I dream now about him, when I try to forget him.
And all the months before never.

I think a lot about our telepatic band.
Can you have this with someone you don't know?
With someone you don't know how he looks like?
That special thing means anyway that you're soulmates.
But can you be soulmates with a stranger?
With someone who abuse you, and only have bad intentions?
Sigh...

Why do we never get answers?
Why do we live?
To waste time at school, learning nothing wise, go work till you're almost dead.
Be hurted, hated, traumatisized of the things you see happening or get in.
Losing people you love, if they're now dead or not, if they're real or not.
It really feels now like I lost some persons I really love, because they died.
Putting all the memories away, posters, pictures, calendar, pillows, his presents,... it feels like I don't wanna know anything of them anymore.
But I just do so so I don't have to see them.
The last 5 years my life was all about Bill Kaulitz.
I got hated for that, laughed out, ignored, I got friendships with that, spent money out on concerts, cd's, dvd's,... and more.
I got to finally love someone, and thought it was answered.
Five years of wasted time.

Maybe I would have had friends in school. Maybe my mother would have tried to solve the problem with father.
Maybe I would have got further in my modelling, because photographers would take me serious.
Maybe I would have had a real relation with a guy, maybe with Steven?
Maybe maybe maybe....

I hope he will come online now.